*******trigger warning – ritual and emotional abuse; religious triggers*******
I believe this was a later memory – perhaps at age 9 or 10. The cult leader told me that I was going to be initiated into a higher level of the cult. Of course, I had no interest in being any more involved with these crazy people than I already was, but nobody asked my opinion.
They told me that I was going to kill a child tonight. They put me in my own robe and had me stand in front of the cult leader in his black robe. They laid a child at my feet. She looked like she was asleep, but I suspect that she was drugged and unconscious.
The cult leader put a large knife between my hands, and then he held my hands (holding the knife) inside of his hands. He lifted up my hands high above my head. Meanwhile, another cult member beamed a flashlight into my eyes while the cult leader made a long speech. The blood drained from my hands and arms, and I desperately wanted to put down my arms. However, I knew that when I did, I would kill someone, so I both dreaded the end of the speech and longed for it. This entire time, I was “blinded” by this flashlight shining directly into my eyes.
Eventually, the cult leader quit talking and forced my arms to stab where the child had been lying. I was saturated in what I believed was blood, à la the “Carrie” movie. I felt the knife cut through flesh, and I truly believed that I had just killed a child.
This flashback was one of the most difficult ones I have ever recovered, but I was fortunate to have God right there helping me through this. This is the only time I have actually “felt” the presence of Jesus beside me as I recovered a memory. I mostly talk about God and not Jesus, but I assure you that I felt Jesus standing there telling me repeatedly, “You did nothing to be forgiven for.”
My eyes were immediately opened to the truth of what happened that night. While the flashlight was in my eyes, the cult members removed the child and put a slab of meat in her place. That is why I felt the knife cutting through flesh. The “blood” was all a sham. It might have been real blood, but it was not human blood. A sleeping child who wasn’t fighting back would not have “bled out” to that degree – the “blood” was dumped on me for effect.
Why would my abusers do this? To test my silence. I had to find out why someone would do this (other than to be cruel, which is obvious). Cults will do this to ensure the child’s silence. If I had gone to the police about this, the cult would have produced the child and called me a liar. Whether I talked or not, they were still in control.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 