On my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
I’ll tell you what [sexual abuse] is…it is a theft. Theft in every sense of the word. A recognition about the biology of young lives and sexuality and that our bodies are just NATURALLY WIRED TO RESPOND SEXUALLY…is NO EXCUSE for these monsters to take advantage of this. They impose upon a very real theft and imposition… ~ Brenda
I really like the term “theft” being applied to raping a child, which is what sexual abuse is. This is what bothers me so much about NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) trying to sell sexual contact between a man and a boy as consensual “love.” The boy does not know or appreciate what is being stolen from him, so he cannot consent to the sexual contact.
What was stolen from me when I was raped as a child? My innocence. The wonder about what sex might be like. My dreaming and hoping and thinking about what my first sexual experience might be like. My choice in pacing what I would like to experience now and what I would like to wait to experience. My choice of who my first sexual partner would be.
I have never experienced giving away a little more and a little more until I climax into bliss. Once I reached what was supposed to be the climax, a whole pile of dirty laundry fell all around me, ruining what should have been beautiful. I couldn’t figure out why that part of my body “dried up,” causing intercourse to be painful throughout my honeymoon.
A belief that sex is a way of expressing love has been stolen from me, and I don’t know if I will ever get it back. As my child moves into puberty, I want to tell him about the beauty and specialness of sex when I don’t believe in it myself. My ability to prepare him for what lies ahead is gone – I don’t know what it is like for a normal child to experience sexuality normally.
I have been married for two decades and continue to feel conflicted toward sex. I had multiple orgasms as a raped little girl – orgasms that made me feel sick to my stomach and hate myself – but they elude me in a loving marriage. An entire aspect of my life and marriage was stolen before I should have even known what sex was.
I am healing in this area and will continue to heal, but I will never get back what was stolen from me. Sex will alway be complicated and complex when it should be simple. What breaks my heart is having the wonder stolen. That must be such a beautiful part of coming of age, but I will never know because it was stolen from me.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Yesterday, i spoke more candidly about some issues, and that trusted talking opened up this topic for me. Interesting that you write of this today. I feel sick inside, and realize i have so much more to work through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as you heal through your hell. You help so many of us who find our doors to healing slamming shut from time to time.
Just working through this complex issue now, after 20 years of therapy. So painful. It helps to try to keep in mind that it was not my fault. So much stolen from me. Thanks Faith.
Yes. And it is a void that is felt and to some extent relived for years to come. That is the part that is really sad.
According to some indigenous beliefs when abuse of any kind happens, little psychic parasites are shot into the victim which stay there until they are healed or exorcised… along these lines, I’ve come to the conclusion that especially sexual abuse is a transference of shame. The shame felt by the perpetrator is transferred to the child. Self abuse has been described as a relief or a release when the pain comes followed by blood. Only when one abuses themselves, they are not directly involving another human being, except to the extent that people who care about them being concerned and worried for them.
I think it’s important to recognize the transfer of shame, if only intellectually, because it really belongs to someone else. The abuser.
Great post as always,
mia
faith, i agree that the word theft is a good description. some people also have adversions to being touch in any form, sexual or not as a result of sexualabuse/rape. for me, i can’t stand hugs, compliments (b/c i am so degrading in my appearence, and i can never say something good in a mirror b/c i have so much hatred.) anyways, agreed with ^^ mia. great post. _Freckles.
Hey Faith,
I am so excited to invite you (and all your readers) to check out my blog!
It is called “The Reality Strategy- Reclaiming my life from child-hood abuse” and it is the place where I share my journey and insights and struggles being a survivor.
My focus will be on female abuse, personality disorders and addictions, and my perspective is one of non-duality.
The link: http://therealitystrategy.wordpress.com/
In case you like it or find it helpful for other survivors, I would like to ask to be added to your blogroll!
I have been following your blog for years now (and will continue to do so:) and I just wanted so say thank you so much for all that you have written about and for inspiring me to start my own blog!!
Thankx, Carolin
And I like applying the theft- term for sexual abuse, too. It reflects the reality of one’s ownership over one’s own sexuality and body and the amount of grief that is involved when realising how much I have lost through abuse.
Hi, carolin4real.
I just added your blog to my blogroll. :0)
– Faith
Belated thanks for adding me!
I havent been able to post for a while due to health and personal going-ons, but will resume to do so over the next weeks.
I do not relate to the theft concept. Personal loss is the way I experience it. I grieve the loss and then it does not have the same effect on the now. Easier said than done. First step is to know what happened.
I am male and that be the reason or it may not. The physical reaction that I had until I was 15 was not sexual at all. My reptilian brain knew the stimulation was wrong and it resisted having the physical sensations. It was unpleasant when it was happening and afterwards there was pain as those hormones and chemicals were not welcome in my body.
When I was 10 I started having the origin of sexual response. It was a getting over excited rather than any thing good.
What I have found in my adult sexual experiences which I see as starting when I was 20 is that my partner wants me to get aggressive as the relationship goes on. My gentleness and respect at the start of sexual relationships is seen as a positive thing and then there is more aggression wanted. Not harmful just more aggressive.
I had to work on the playfulness of preliminary foreplay as being OK..
I do not enjoy sex outside of a meaningful relationship and it seems to bother those that offer it.
The “best” sexual relationship I had was based on communication and not a sharing of power rather a back and forth.
“Theft” is only a minor charge in this type of abuse. I call it murder- murder of innocence-murder of the soul; Murder of self esteem and self worth. I call it child endangerment- leaving us unsafe. And theft- it took away all you said above and so much more- a happy childhood and the ability to trust and form healthy friendships. It took away the ability to love and nurture ourselves. It robbed us the ability to make sense out of life and so rendered many suicidal. It left us stripped of dignity and self respect and rendered us vulnerable to further outside abuse. I call the abuser a “traitor” to his own people. And even these charges seem too nice! And as for these NAMBLA’s – God has judgement for them that they will wish they had NEVER been born. I’m sorry, but I am ANGRY!
“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matt. 18:6
Someone without good English once told me they’d been raped by saying ‘He burgled me’ so I understand the metaphor and think it’s very appropriate. I haven’t yet fully realized to myself how much I have lost by losing my sexuality; guess I am just not ready to face that grief yet. I am always telling myself sexuality and a happy sex life isn’t really important but I think one day it will dawn on me what I have missed (and am missing), just can’t face any more loss at the moment perhaps and focussing on single parenthood.
Firstly my ‘belief’ systems helps me alot with this extremely difficult suffering. However I do realise my belief systems are immaterial to peoples suffering who do not have my ‘belief’ systems but hopefully it will help within your belief systems.
I think one of life’s important reality aspects is ‘scaffolding’. This happens in life,its all about influence, whether good or bad and the bad can rob us of wholesomeness and healthiness ( an understatement 🙂 ). The aim in healing, is to re-scaffold as best we can with good things, this is an important key. By chosing to heal and grow, is re-scaffolding in itself. By chosing to love and support yourself is re-scaffolding, by loving oneself is influencing yourself with goodness, by having supportive and caring peple is re-scaffolding. By healing the re-scaffolding will increase with good growing within and without. Choosing to know thyself (bit by bit), we are choosing to have good scaffolding, healthy and joyous and peace within, we will have. I truly say Faith, I believe from being part of your community that your soul has\is choosing to re-scaffold in good, love and light. You will be very suprised how you will feel in 12 months and how better your life is by then.
This second point is my personal belief so do not take it as gospel please. My belief here does not make the theft any less real or bad but it takes the ‘power’ away from the paingivers and gives it back to me. I believe in re-incarnation (not hindu or buddist re-carnation system, a more holistic outlook I have) and even though they may have stolen our innocence in this body they do NOT have me on their side of the war as a prisoner of pain, because understandings/awareness help with enlightment (as the Gnostics often have said). This body and the pain it has received , delivering pain also to my soul, is not my body’s fault, it is not my souls fault and the body needs to know this. This body needs to know that all is not lost, that goodness will known, joys will be received and the pains will be the old scaffolding laying in the back paddock decomposing, and peace within IS possible. Remind ourselves often of good scaffolding in life and aim for that be in our life.
I believe that there is two systems of re-incarnation. One where Souls go to Heavens for re-incarnation and one where souls go to a ‘machine’ for re-incarnation. Heaven will triumph ofcourse and the meek WILL inherit the Earth.
Well, my comment isnt as deep as some here. But it has taken me a long time, and I’m actually not quite there yet, to accept that the perpetrators of the sexual abuse and torture in my first 16 years of life (it wasn’t a childhood) had no right! As a child it seemed they had every right – they were big, I was little; they were strong, I was weak; they were my caretakers, I couldn’t take care of myself. But they didn’t! Amazing!
Sometimes it is confusing to me and sometimes it angers me that society chooses to use euphemisms to describe really bad things… like “molestation”…excuse me, but I’ve know women who said “my dad only molested me” and feel they have not right to need healing, even tho their lives are tormented. I get incensed about the phrase “incestual relationship.” No…incest with a child is never a “relationship.” It is at best taking advantage of all of a child’s vulnerabilities and more realistically, heinous and unconcionable. The child doesn’t have choice. So…i am thankful to read the word “theft” here…it says it’s ok to be broken and working this through rather than minimizing things they way I’ve done almost all of my life. For me, it wasn’t molestation, it was outright rape and gang rape and being pimped out at age 8 and torture…but sometimes the “gentle” terminology used by the press and some groups has cause me to think I shouldn’t think it was a big deal.
Thank you for the truth you are speaking, Faith and all of you here.
Ruby
Agree with your post, but don’t think it goes far enough. Sexual abuse has stolen far more from me than my sexuality. It stole my childhood, my ability to ever have a family, to trust, to develop normal healthy relationships, and so much more. For me, if the “only” thing it had stolen from me was my ability to have a healthy sexual relationship, I guess that would be bad enough, but does not compare to the hell so many of us live in.
Bay
I agree. It steals your childhood and plagues adulthood. It is hard to have any healthy relationship.
A thought. Theft and burglary are not the same as robbery. Robbery involves force.
It’s a door that’s been opened that can never be closed once it’s happened – that’s my take on sex. Once you’ve been exposed to it you cannot be “un-exposed” – it remains with you all your life.
I remember as a young kid – five and six or so – achieving orgasm through self-stimulation without knowing what it was. But that was just me: a natural discovery about my own body, and one I sometimes enjoyed. Later on I taught my older brother how to do this – showing him, not ‘doing it’ to him. Don’t know if that was wrong. (He is about 1.5 yrs older).
But the other – the SEXUAL things – well now, that’s entirely a different issue. We didn’t know about sex back then – not real sex with someone else. Yeah, sure, I’d been exposed to sex with a little girl (playmates when I was 4) – how she learned it (what she did) is beyond me. I guess she was being abused. But it didn’t really bother me or impact me to any great degree.
It was the sex with the older kids – and that teenager that “did” me so often – that’s where I learned to “like boys”. I guess. I reckon. That’s probably something I’ll never know – once that door to same-sex sex was opened, it stayed that way (meaning I’m now bisexual). Was I born that way? Or was it something that happened as a result of the abuse? I guess I’ll never know – too late to find out now. I consciously CHOSE a heterosexual lifestyle based upon what I know: gays (especially men) are rarely happy for a long time. Married couples are (or can be). And living here in the South – well, you can understand. Despite a population of over 709433 in our area, there are no gay clubs you can go to, gays have to keep their head (and butts) down, and you’d better hide it real well. Male gay bashing is a very real thing down here – being openly gay (or just ‘outed’) is enough to get you ostracized, even killed. I know me and a whole lot of other people drove past a dead gay body locked in a trunk of a sedan for almost a week . . . turns out he was baited and lured by the redneck crowd – killed and stuck in his car’s trunk right across the road from the bar – and nobody did a thing. They didn’t even investigate it properly – just “another damned queer; who cares? He deserved it.” type attitude.
But whether or not “that part” (the gay, or homosexual part) would even BE there had the abuse not happened – if THAT DOOR had not been opened – well, that’s open to debate. But I do know it’s made my life a lot harder; more frustrating – I can’t “be” who I want to be – because I want to “be” things I can’t. I’m committed to a monogamous heterosexual lifestyle – even though it can be hard.
And that, I think, is ONE of the many effects sexual childhood abuse can bring. The loss or theft of our sexual ‘innocence’ (tho’ to tell the truth: were we that innocent? I don’t know: again, a knowledge ‘stolen’ from me). Along with that add the suspicions I feel about children sometimes (are they being abused? Are they ABUSING EACH OTHER right now? Carrying on “the trade”?) Too many screwed up perceptions – that’s what lay beyond the door the abuser opened up in me.
Good life, good grief, it’s gonna be hard. But I reckon that’s the way it’s gonna be. Just ain’t got no choice – another thing that my abuser stole from me.
I wrote to a dear, trust-worthy friend of mine regrading this. In that message I said the same thing…about it being a THEFT in every sense of the word…..at best. (If there is even A BEST..) At worse, it can result in something not commonly known as: “Psychological Manslaughter” when it involves so much pain, shame, torment and confusion as to result in a suicide because of it.
(Not much to be had along the ‘psychological manslaughter’ term insomuch as google is concerned…(I found 2 *hits*) but it can result in exactly that – and not only for sexual abuse victims…but for bullying as well.)
I think that in spite of the absolute theft of my early sexuality…that being something that was just naturally, readily available…anyhow – and some low-life saw that easy vulnerability for what it was and chose to be a real coward and steal/exploit it away from me…he did indeed rob me of my own natural process. The CHOICE for me to just gradually and naturally mature on my own enough to pick and choose just whom I would share this intimate part of myself with…when I was ready.
But it hasn’t deterred me. I REFUSE to have this theft ROB ME of what is a naturally deep expression. An expression of goodness. Of love. Of deep trust.
Though it has hurt beyond words…it did not and does not break me.
There is still a flicker of innocent flame/spark within me that this monster did not tap into nor will ever extinguish.
I was robbed – pure and simple. Has made my life a living hell for several decades now to try and culminate some kind of *sense* about it…not to mention the confusion when it is your *dad*…and all the bullshit *loyalty* that carries with it – but now that I know that my body just reacted naturally to this theft/imposition and that it is NOT a reflection nor my place to carry this shame which is clearly not mine to carry for something that happened to me which I did not ask for – and hell, even if I did on some immature level – did not fully understand because I was so young and confused about what *love* meant….he didn’t break me.
The bastard did not break me.
He’s dead now and I am so relieved. Over a year now. He can’t hurt anyone else. At his funeral, everyone in the family did some kind of Catholic spiel about waving some kind of brass something or other with *holy water* in it to *bless him* – I was the only one who refused.
I don’t give a flying shit what anyone else thought. I was not about to *bless* this monster.
He did. not. break. me.
Powerful posts. So many hurting adults from what was stolen in childhood.
The effects of sexual abuse on children and their later development into adulthood depend on at least five important factors: the age of the child, the duration of the abuse, the type of the abuse, the manner in which the child frames the abuse, and the ability of the child to heal. It is likely that there are important gender differences in how girls and boys make sense out of incest experiences. Girls tend to view the incest experience within the larger context of the child-adult relationship and are likely to be more concerned with the perpetrator’s feelings and family stability. In contrast, a boy may focus more on his own sexual experience. All children, whether male or female, attempt to make sense of or to create an explanation for the incestuous relationship as a part of the healing process.
While I disagree with many of the conclusions, there is an author who calls our abuse “Soul Murder.” That term has always seemed very real to me.
http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/s/shengold-soul.html